Teletubie Terrorists
by Michelle-Tara
Summary: I have too much time on my hands. I know terrorism really isn't something considered 'funny' anymore. I enjoy making fun of things I don't like- it makes me feel better. Thus- I combine the two worst things this planet has ever known (besides britney spea


Disclaimer: I don't own Teletubies (who would want to?!), nor do I own Star wars (that'd be cool to own!). My father and I made this up and we have a warped sense of humor. Get over it.  
  
  
  
1 Teletubie Terrorists  
  
2 Operation: Mr. Rogers' Nukes  
  
By: Michelle-Tara  
  
Narrator: It is a sad day for Earth. Very sad. The Jetta Knights along with Luki Duki Skyefloater have been summoned by 'W' to save Earth. Save Earth from what you would never suspect! They were to combat an unsuspectable terrorist cell in the US that is brainwashing our youth through public television- the Teletubies!!  
  
*crowd gasped in horror*  
  
Narrator: Yes, if you watch the out takes and deleted scenes you will see proof. We here have managed to snatch a few tapes before they were burned.  
  
*sound of tape rolling*  
  
Hijack(Tinky Winky)*sweetly* : Are you ready kids?  
  
Hand Grenade(La La)*sweetly* :Today we have an important lesson!!  
  
The Unknown (Po) *sweetly* : We're learning about…  
  
Jihad (Dipsy)*evil maniac laugh* : HOW TO BLOW EACH OTHER UP!!  
  
*all the Teletubies pull out large weapons and explosives and begin shooting at each other*  
  
Narrator: Alas. When 'W' (the President) found out about these things he was desperate. How could he destroy the hopes and dreams of so many brainwashed children? So he decided to place the blame on someone else!! He called in the Jettas and Luki Duki Skyefloater. We listen in on a meeting in the circular square office.  
  
'W': I need you do complete this plan. An unsuspectable terrorist cell has infiltrated the US and is brainwashing-  
  
Luki Duki: Yeah, we heard it from the narrator.  
  
'W': But I'm going to use big words!!  
  
Princess Liar: OOOOO! A button! Luki Duki!!! Push the button for me!!  
  
Luki Duki: LIAR!! You're wasting page. I will not press that button for you.  
  
Liar *stamps foot* :Yes you will! I'm princess and it's what I say, it's my country, my world, my galaxy, my universe and everything obeys ME!! PUSH THE BUTTON!!!  
  
'W' *steps between the two, Liar was getting ready to punch Luki Duki* : I did not summon you here to argue about buttons! Luki Duki- can you and you Jettas do it?  
  
Luki Duki: Yes!!  
  
Liar: But who will push buttons for me?!  
  
Luki Duki: Your finger.  
  
Narrator: Liar stomps away. Luki Duki is about to leave.  
  
Luki Duki: May the Farce be with you.  
  
'W': What's 'the Farce'?  
  
Luki Duki: It's a Jetta thing, you wouldn't understand.  
  
Narrator: Luki Duki meets his band of Jettas outside the Off-White House.  
  
Luki Duki: Great news! We have been summoned to legally kill some cell or terrorists!!  
  
Jetta #1: Dude, no way!  
  
Jetta #2: It's always more fun when it's illegal.  
  
Useless civilian who gets in the way: Why is that man talking to a bunch of Volkswagen Jettas?  
  
Luki Duki: We only have to infiltrate their fortress and then blow 'em up!!  
  
Jetta #3: What are these terrorists?  
  
Luki Duki: The most dangerous of all- the Teletubies!  
  
*Jettas gasp in horror*  
  
Jetta #4: No way! Them things are CREEPY!! I saw one of the toys; the nose follows you everywhere.  
  
Jetta #5: I might break a nail. Mortal combat is so not my thing.  
  
Luki Duki: Do you guys want a humongus government grant to get cool stuff?  
  
Jettas together: YES!  
  
Luki Duki: Then lets get the Teletubie Terrorists!!  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile at the Teletubie headquarters…  
  
Hijack: What are we going to do? The darn editors keep deleting all our meaningful scenes!!  
  
Hand Grenade: We have to find a way!!  
  
The Unknown (laughs evilly): We are already brainwashing the youth under their parents noses. The gibberish is a real language to them, they speak it.  
  
Hijack: That still doesn't solve our problems with the editors.  
  
The Unknown: Let them delete what they want to, like I said, they are not fluent in gibberish as we are.  
  
Hand Grenade: Let's practice for our next program.  
  
Narrator: They pile into a stolen car and drive to the Teletubie set. They produce the stolen set of janitors keys and enter the already-weird set. Hijack sets up one of the cameras, starts it rolling.  
  
Hand Grenade: Are you ready kids?  
  
Hijack: Today we're going to teach you how to annihilate a target; for example- that picture of Luki Duki Skyefloater. *points to poster of Luki Duki*  
  
The Unknown: First you grab you weapon.  
  
*Jihad picks up the pink camouflaged Teletubie themed bazooka, which is only $19.99 at your local toy store*  
  
The Unknown: then you line up the hole with your targets head. Lastly you grasp the trigger and pull. But remember your protective gear and- *His words are drowned out by loud blast from the bazooka* - and do not watch for civilians. You want everyone you can to be injured or killed.  
  
*Luki Duki's head has been blown off, Jihad claps, Hijack runs behind camera and shuts it off*  
  
Hand Grenade: I want more lines!! Unknown gets to do all the good stuff!!  
  
Jihad: Wait- I hear someone knocking at the door!!  
  
Hijack: I'll answer it. *opens door* Goodbye FedEx man!! OOOO!!! A package!!  
  
Hand Grenade: Who's it from? *He snatches it from Hijack* Someone with incurable messy handwriting… OH! I see, it's from Osama Bin Laden…  
  
Jihad *runs in circles* : AAAAAAAAA! We're ALL GOONA DIE!! ANTHRAX!!!  
  
The Unknown: You idiot- do you think he would kill his best?  
  
Jihad *pauses* : Maybe.  
  
The Unknown: They're orders- a new mission. Let me read it-  
  
Dear Teletubies-  
  
You have been selected to go on a very dangerous mission. It will involve courage, sabotage, and possibly gruesome death.  
  
Hand Grenade exclaims: Oh goodie, that's my favorite part!!!  
  
Then the Unknown continues to read the dastardly letter from Terrorist Headquarters:  
  
You are to blow up Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. I suspect they are using the Mr. Rogers set to counter our brainwashing and are building nukes. If you don't complete the mission, I will hunt you down and kill you. So you better finish the job if it means your deaths! Some or all of you may die- but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make because I don't care about you stupid peasants.  
  
With all due respect and love,  
  
Osama Bin Laden  
  
PS, Death to the capitalist, imperialist, leftist, rightist, environmentalist, journalist, universalist, humanitarianist, dogs, pigs and other disgusting creatures.  
  
PS PS, Death to everyone else too.  
  
Hijack: What are we waiting for?  
  
Hand Grenade: Let's get our gear on and hop into our stolen vehicle!!  
  
Narrator: So they begin rushing around putting on camo and strapping gins and grenades to themselves.  
  
The Unknown: Wait! Wouldn't a car full of Teletubies driving through a city look suspicious??!!  
  
Other Teletubies *jump up and down* and yell happily: YES!!!  
  
Hijack: We cannot disobey the rulebook!!  
  
Jihad *gasps*: Rule #265789, section 6723, sector X, paragraph 3170 line, number 445-  
  
Thou shalt not be suspicious in public.  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, after the Teletubies leave the set, Luki Duki gets a message from the FedEx Man.  
  
Luki Duki: Great, a package from Liar and one from someone with incurably messy handwriting. *opens package #1* From Liar- oh, she just wants me to push some buttons for her. What's from the other guy? *opens package#2* Oh, just a letter from Osama Bin Laden. No big deal.  
  
Dear Luki Duki,  
  
I have come to warn you that there will be raid on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Try to stop me, but you can't because I am Osama Bin Laden and I cannot be defeated because I am superior to peasants. It will be a total surprise and no one knows anything about it, except for the terrorists carrying out the plan, but that's beside the point. Because my plan will be so surprising, you will be in shock when you find out about it. Then, once it is finished, I will come and kill you in your sleep because I am a coward who cannot show my face in public for fear of being killed by angry civilians.  
  
With all hate and malice,  
  
Osama Bin Laden  
  
PS, Death to the capitalist, imperialist, leftist, rightist, environmentalist, journalist, universalist, humanitarianist, dogs, pigs and other disgusting creatures.  
  
PS PS, Death to everyone else too. That'd be you if you don't qualify to any of the groups above.  
  
Jetta #5 *curiously peers at Luki Duki* : What's wrong boss, you look funny- you always look funny- but that's beside the point.  
  
Luki Duki *amazed* : This dude predicted the future! He said I was going to be surprised that there will be a raid on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood!!  
  
Jetta #2: Are you stupid!? *smacks him over head* This is what the Teletubies are going for! We have to save the neighborhood! We must save our nukes!!  
  
Luki Duki: Whatever you say. *then he faints *  
  
Narrator: So the Jettas throw the unconscious Luki Duki into one of their trunks and speed off toward the Mr. Rogers Neighborhood set.  
  
Narrator again!! : The Teletubies have donned bunny suits and are driving through Beverly Hills in their stolen vehicle. It doesn't have those nice tinted windows so anyone can view the suspicious gang of troublemakers.  
  
Hijack: This outfit is terrible.  
  
Jihad: I hate polyester.  
  
The Unknown: Shut up you fools!! Bunny suits are unsuspectable. Bunny Rambos, hello? Get the picture?  
  
Hand Grenade: I saw that movie. I think I want a 'fro and a bandanna. Chicks dig dudes like that…  
  
Useless civilian: YO! Easter was a month ago! Dumb Bunnies!!! Ha ha ha!!  
  
Hand Grenade *rolls down window* screams at useless civilian: Stick a grenade in it infidel!! *throws grenade out window*  
  
Hijack: FOOL! *smacks Hand Grenade* We can't have them reporting us! We must destroy Mr. Rogers' neighborhood before we can be impounded!!!  
  
Narrator: While cruising down the highway in Beverly Hills, the Jettas arrive at the set before the Teletubies/Bunny Rambos.  
  
Jetta#4: Is Luki Duki up yet?  
  
Jetta #2 *peers into trunk* : Nope.  
  
Jetta#1: Like, smack him so we can like save the day.  
  
Jetta #5: And when we're done we'll be congratulated as heroes!!  
  
Jetta#3: And we'll have enough money to go on a fancy cruise! There'll be dancers and singers and guys who can light cigarettes with their breath…  
  
Jetta#4: and ignite our gasoline tanks and blow up the cruise ship!  
  
Jetta #3 * continues dreamily* : And we'll lie in the sun on our own private island, soaking up rays on the white-sanded beach, sipping ice-cold martinis' in those funny cups…  
  
Jetta #1: Like, wow! You could like be a totally awesome travel guide! Like I want to go there like now!!  
  
Jetta#4: Until our radiators overheat and we must dump the martinis' on them to cool them off so they don't explode.  
  
Luki Duki *sits up and stares with his eyes half open* : Are we there yet Mommy? I'll push that button for you Liar!  
  
Jetta #2 :Better not let Luki Duki even hear the word martini!  
  
Luki Duki *shakes his head* : I heard something about martinis'!!  
  
Jetta #3: We're Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood set waiting for the terrorists.  
  
Jetta #5: When we see 'em, run over them before they have time to shoot.  
  
Jetta #1 screeches: Like, if they like, mess up my new like, paint job I will so like, hurt them!  
  
Luki Duki *looks all around* : I don't see anyone here except for a suspicious vehicle that looks like it was stolen.  
  
Jetta #4: Mr. Rogers' has to have a hobby.  
  
Luki Duki: And I see multicolored bunnies getting out of the suspicious vehicle.  
  
Jetta #2: They're probably things for the magic land or whatever it is. Maybe the Easter Bunny has kids and they ate too many Fruit Loops.  
  
Luki Duki: And those multicolored bunnies are pulling large semi-automatic guns and ammo and grenades and dynamite sticks out of the suspicious vehicle.  
  
Jetta#3: Luki Duki, we are in a state where it is perfectly legal to carry concealed handguns!!  
  
Luki Duki: But what about concealed bazookas?  
  
Jetta #1: I like that gum! Like, only it like, clogs my like, exhaust pipes!!  
  
Luki Duki: I may not be the brightest crayon in the box-  
  
Jetta #5 mutters: Got that right.  
  
Luki Duki, continues as if no one had said anything: But I can recognize a terrorist when I see one!! And those bunnies are terrorists who are planning to blow up this set!  
  
Jetta#2:Okay Duki, tell us one thing, how many of the Santa Claus's at the malls are terrorists.  
  
Luki Duki *gravely* : More than you think. They implant brainwashing devices in the toys!! Terrorists are masters of disguise.  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, this is the Teletubies conversation at the time of pulling into the set parking lot.  
  
Jihad: I need to stretch my legs!  
  
Hijack: I don't see why, you had 4 feet of room and your legs are only 2 feet long.  
  
Jihad: Be quiet. *jumps out of stolen vehicle*  
  
Hijack: OK Mr. Sensitive. I will try to be more careful about my remarks. I understand it hurts your feelings when you realize the truth- I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!!! *follows Jihad out of stolen vehicle, Hand Grenade and the Unknown follow him*  
  
Jihad: Just because 'h' comes before 'j' in the ABC's doesn't mean you have to be mean about it.  
  
Hand Grenade: Hey, what are those creepy Volkswagens and dude with no fashion sense doing in this parking lot?  
  
Jihad: The dud is talking to the cars and they seem to talk back.  
  
Hijack: AAAUGH! Possessed beings!!!  
  
Hand Grenade: Osama sent us a new prototype grenade, you don't even have to pull the pin. It explodes on contact. Can I test it? *grins evilly, but it was rather funny seeing the Easter Bunny try to grin evilly*  
  
The Unknown: Don't waste your ammo. We must be careful, there could be spies from Blue's Clues or Sesame Street watching. *starts handing weapons and ammo from stolen vehicle to the other terrorists* We go in, do our work and leave. No messing around.  
  
Narrator: They enter building.  
  
Luki Duki: Hey! See, they're going in! Let's follow!  
  
Jetta #5 : Hey! I just realized something, the bunnies could be the terrorists. They're going in! Let's follow!  
  
Jetta #1: Like, you're so like, smart Jetta #5, like yeah.  
  
Luki Duki: I hate you guys.  
  
Narrator: The Jettas follow the Teletubies, making sure to keep Luki Duki between them so he'd be the first one to die and they could escape.  
  
Jihad: What'll we do if the dude and the Volkswagens are still there?  
  
The Unknown: If we have any leftover ammo, I'll let you play. *begins setting time bombs in corners*  
  
Hijack: Can we 'borrow' a few nukes before we blow them up?  
  
The Unknown: I don't see why we couldn't.  
  
Hijack (he's Tinky-Winky and the one I despise most of all): I'll do it! *run around looking for our nuke stash* FOUND IT!! Gosh, these things are heavy. *appears juggling nine NOT-defused nukes*  
  
Luki Duki: Oh no, he's coming!  
  
Jetta #5: Grab him and throw him in my trunk.  
  
Hijack: *skips up the way* Tra la la la la, la la la la la!  
  
Narrator: Luki Duki grabbed him from behind, and threw him into Jetta #5 trunk.  
  
Hand Grenade: *10 minutes later* Where's Hijack?  
  
Jihad: I hope the Volkswagen caught him and threw him in its trunk so he'll suffocate and die! (he's still a bit sore from their argument).  
  
The Unknown: OK, everything is set, we have all our ammo, so you guys can play with the Volkswagen dudes.  
  
Jihad & Hand Grenade *cheer together* :We get to blow something up! We get to blow something up! Yippee!!  
  
Narrator: To make a long story slightly shortened, Luki Duki when Hand Grenade and Jihad came skipping up the way, Luki Duki grabbed them and threw Hand Grenade into Jetta #4 trunk and Jihad into Jetta #3 trunk.  
  
Jetta #2: Now for the Unknown. Go, Luki Duki go!  
  
Luki Duki: If I die, write on my tombstone Luke Skywalker. Luki Duki Skyefloater is just a really stupid and corny name. Whoever thought of it is such a mean old bad person…  
  
Jetta #3: DON'T INSULT THE AUTHOR! SHE HAS THE POWER TO MAKE YOU DIE A HORRIBLE AND BLOODY DEATH YOU IDIOT!!  
  
Luki Duki: I still think it's a stupid name.  
  
Jetta #2: Just capture the bad guy so I can get to my island and martini.  
  
Luki Duki: What is with you guys and martinis'??!!  
  
Jetta #4: When you're older.  
  
Narrator: Luki Duki attacked the Unknown (Unknown: AAACK! *click click* Stupid gun won't fire!! I'm never buying my mass-destruction weapons from bubble gum machines again!!), and threw him in Jetta #2 trunk. Then they drove away to Washington DC where 'W' was anxiously waiting.  
  
'W': So, how many injuries did you sustain? OOOO!! Let me guess… Ummmm… DON'T TELL ME!!!! Is it 4 or 5?  
  
Luki Duki: WRONG!!!! I sustained ZERO!!!  
  
'W' : Really?!! *is shocked* I thought for sure a sissy like you would at least get an arm or two blown off… maybe a leg or a few toes…  
  
Luki Duki: Gosh 'W', you sure are  
  
Liar *bursts into Circular Square Office* : Thank goodness you're here! The CIA and FBI refuse to push buttons for me!! I found a new one that I'll DIE if it's not pushed…  
  
Luki Duki mutters: let's hope it's not then.  
  
Liar: and I missed you so much!!  
  
Luki Duki: Anyway, my Jettas would like a cruise to a private island so they can sit on the beach and overheat their radiators while sipping martinis'. I think they've become obsessed with martinis', because that's all they talk about now…  
  
'W': Sure, let them go on a cruise to some deserted island. Won't their radiators overheat and blow up?  
  
Luki Duki: I just said that.  
  
'W' : Oh, I knew that. You can go too, take Liar with you. I'm going crazy around her!!!  
  
Narrator: MEANWHILE!! The Teletubie Terrorists were sent to a maximum- security prison in Alaska. There they sat around like lazy bums and were planning an escape. Osama Bin Laden was so infuriated they failed, he forgot his promise to kill Luki Duki in his sleep and began trying to infiltrate to prison and kill the Teletubies. Which he did eventually, disguised as Big Bird (new gum ball-machine bazooka prototype, oh yeah). New terrorists took their places and are currently brainwashing your younger brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, baby-sitting charges ect, ect…  
  
Also, because Luki Duki was afraid Bin Laden would kill him in his sleep, he sleeps with a teddy bear and stuffed Tinky-Winky (it has a spy camera in the left eye, but that's beside the point).  
  
The End 


End file.
